My Way Ecclesiam ~A Journey From agnostic, to Protestant, and to Catholic~

My Way Ecclesiam

~A Journey From agnostic, to Protestant, and to Catholic~

Daria J.

Preface

Forever I am a seeker for the Truth; everyday I prostrate humbly before the feet of my Master and Lord, to receive His blessings and teachings.

Gloria in excelsis Deo!

When I think of the abundant love and the sweet calling from Our Lord, I am still amazed by it. It was a pure miracle. My mind was lifted high toward Heaven, with His great Love and many graces, all the way back when I was 12 years old. Borned in an communist and atheist family without not even one Catholic, and grew up with absolutely no overlap with the Holy Church, still here I am on my way to the Truth, as one of His beloved children. Indeed I am incapable of His Love, as such a great sinner, but Our Lord always had everything ready for us without us even noticing. No words can express my gratitude. All I can do is to dedicate my tears out of a thankful soul with this little memoir.

1. Aspiration

Back then when I was about 10 years old, I was obsessed with religious culture and the exploration of unknown ghosts and gods, and I started to look into Buddhism and Christianity. At that time, I was more like a polytheist. When I prayed, I brought the true God and the idols and different spirits all together. I randomly studied Buddhist scriptures, ways to ward off evil spirits, and searched for some allegedly real spiritual events on the Internet. I also carried out so-called "exorcising evil spirits" in my bedroom many times and went to some temples to burn incense and worship the buddhist idols. There was also something that happened in my life that made me question the meaning of life, so a thought of committing suicide started to form in my heart. To me, if there’s after life, then my current life is pointless, since I will die anyway and I don’t have anything to hope for. What is life? Just pain, sorrow and worldly joy and conditioned excitement? All that is meaningless. And if so, why wouldn’t I end my life by myself, with a more or less sense of dignity?

Later on, one of my classmates got to know that I was interested in religion, so she told me that her grandfather believed in Jesus, and the next day she brought me a protestant apologetic pamphlet about why we should believe in Jesus. 

After I read it, I thought to myself: yes, it makes sense, so I will believe in Jesus too. But I still firmly believe that I should be a polytheist because I somehow believed there should be more gods, and I didn’t want to learn more about Christianity at that point. So it was the kind of false faith that I possessed only with my words and empty in my heart only. But at least it laid the foundation for my faith.

As soon as I learned Buddhism doesn’t make sense, I decided I will just stick to Christianity. And maybe later on I was no longer interested in spiritual and religious topics, so I stopped my research. Instead, I became obsessed with impure, violent and bloody novels, animes and movies, and dark literature, illustrations, movies, and songs, and study occult cultures about murder, witchcraft, vampires, evil spirits and demons. I slid very fast to this bottomless abyss and even tried to teach my friends to do the same. At that time, I often cursed people to die miserably for trivial things and thought of killing them. With all the evil doings, I still told everyone that I was a Christian at that time, which was a terrible insult to that identity and to God.

Later, in order to prepare for middle school entrance, I went to cram school and had a tutor who was a Protestant. He gave me a Bible. After reading the Bible for a few pages, I didn’t keep reading it anymore. I only read it when I was bored, and I found myself opposing the words and opinions in the Bible, especially the old testament.

Until I graduated, I got my own laptop and I joined a protestant group chat online. The enthusiastic Protestants there taught me a lot within a short period of time. I read their shared scriptures, sermon videos, and articles. This gave me a lot of insights and gradually understood the sins I committed and how culpable I was, how holy God is, and His love is so vast… I started to pray freely every day (prior to that I only recited the Lord’s Prayer), and I confessed my sins and wept almost daily. I started crying out to God about my sorrow and distress and asking Him to have mercy on me. At that time, I also felt that I was gradually being changed by unknown forces. Despite such a short period of time, I feel like I’ve gained a new life!

With the encouragement of the Protestants, I gradually participated in Protestant gatherings, and insisted on going to church every week. A middle aged lady from church helped me a lot and taught me the truth patiently. I spent 2 years seeking the truth in protestant church. Affected by the protestant fundamentalists and so on, I drifted further and further from the Holy Catholic Church, and even grew hatred in my heart toward her, and believed she’s committing idolatry and heresy. 

I personally enjoyed spiritual reading very much and at one point I bought a biography of Madame Jeanne Guyon (a catholic heretic that was condemned by the catholic church) from the protestant church. After reading it I became curious about the Catholics' viewpoint on her, so I found a forum of the Catholic faithfuls. I realized that the people there were very holy and patient. They answered all my questions with charity and kindness, and gradually changed my views on Catholicism. So at the beginning of 2012, I decided to explore Catholicism as well and started to go to Mass almost every week, and my mind was rapidly changing. By recommendation from people in the forum, I read Rome Sweet Home and it strengthened my faith in converting to catholic church, and the autobiography of St Therese inspired me to decide to convert to the Holy Church for two main purposes: the Holy Eucharist and religious life. I started to attend RCIA after Mass to further understand the Catholic teachings. I was waiting for the day when I would come under the name of God surrounded by angels and saints and be a true daughter of God. 

2. Waiting for Rebirth

But In fact, I learned more by reading than attending the RCIA. Unfortunately, under the influence of modernist erroneous ideas, when I asked the nun who taught the RCIA class whether God prefers Catholicism or Protestantism, she told me that God was happy with both, which caused me hesitation and confusion. I did not get baptised after my first year attending RCIA due to both my family’s objection and the nun saying that Protestantism also pleased God. Although I felt it was a pity in my heart, and my thirst for the Eucharist was increasing day by day, it provided me more opportunities to learn and the first time to witness the baptism of new church members. While waiting for Easter for the next year, I read a lot of holy books and prayed fervently everyday. A gentle and tender love for God himself grew in my heart, which changed my personality a lot. 

Finally, after another year, that wonderful and sacred moment was approaching.

3. Die and Resurrect

Finally, the sacred moment arrived on March 31, 2013.  I recalled all the past sins, renounced the devils, and the holy water cleansed us from all sins.

"Edith Stein, I baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit."

I was born again.

4. Traditional Catholicism 

It didn’t take long for me to sense something strange, or off, in my original Novus Ordo church, though I was feeling all thrilled, excited and blessed for my sacraments. I was totally immersed in the world of traditional Catholicism without knowing it’s something different than most Catholics today believe. I tried wearing a veil in the church but I got loathed and accused of being edgy by the pastor. I always knelt to receive the Eucharist on tongue but got scolded again by the pastor too. I felt genuinely confused because those religious practices were not something I came up with, but something I believed I shall be doing according to the catholic books I read (since I learned most about the religion from books because RCIA didn’t help much). Among all the confusions, there was one point I got to know the truth about Vatican II and the change of liturgy from a privately sent PowerPoint document made by SSPX. I was immediately convinced and also felt really shocked by such a degree of betrayal, such a catastrophe could happen right WITHIN the holy Catholic Church, by the ones who shall guide our faith instead of destroying it. Meanwhile a very fervent and faithful old lady approached me because she was impressed by my act of wearing a veil, and invited me to her house to watch an old DVD of a traditional Latin funeral. From then on I decided as soon as I get a chance I will go to the traditional Latin Mass.

I didn't have to wait too long. Soon my mother decided we will all move to the US, and I started to go to traditional Latin Mass the first Sunday I got to the states. My journey to traditional Catholicism began, with help of God and people he sent. It gave me a second life ever since.

(to be continued)